The Self-Care Movement: A Response to Modern Expectations or an Act of Self-Love?

Often portrayed as moments of indulgence; bubble baths, journalling, pedicures and yoga retreats - it has roots that dig deeper than the surface pleasures of wellness marketing trends. 

What this really asks of us, particularly women, is - how are we showing up for ourselves? How are we investing in our primary romance? Which, I think, is – in many ways - the one that we have with ourselves. 

In a world driven by productivity and external expectations, how do we make space for intimacy with our own growth and expansion?

The Rise of Self-Care

The notion of self-care has historical ties to both feminist and activist movements. In the 1960s and 1970s, self-care was a radical act for marginalised groups who lacked access to equitable healthcare. Audre Lorde, a poet and civil rights activist, famously wrote, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” 

Today, self-care is more mainstream, yet the forces shaping its necessity are no less political or economic. More than 50 years later, this kind of dialogue is a privilege limited to those who can afford it. 

For the modern working mother, self-care has become both a lifeline and another box on a to-do list. I will often reflect on my grubby toenails and weigh up the pros and cons of fabulous feet with getting my exercise in or doing my homework for my side hustle online study. Excelling in every possible role is not possible all the time, and my friends and I often reflect that something has got to give. Being the competent professional, the conscious parent, the devoted partner, and, ideally, the metabolically healthy, slim, self-assured woman is a feat we all feel we are falling short of on some days of the week. The cultural narrative around “having it all” can feel like an unrelenting call to overextend. 

When exhaustion and overwhelm arise, the idea of self-care is actually a rallying cry for reclaiming agency. 

Beyond Burnout: The Depth of Self-Care

Poet and philosopher David Whyte writes:

"You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong."

Whyte so beautifully muses that true self-care is not merely about escape from chores and expectations, but rather about returning to what is most essential within ourselves. It is an act of self-alignment and self-reliance. This kind of self-care or relationship requires an intentional disentanglement from the societal myths of perfection.

Relationship and Self-Love

I think ‘self-care’ might be a commercial byproduct of a collective call to investigate self-love. The act of self-love demands a willingness to confront our vulnerabilities, imperfections, and unmet needs. 

I have been reflecting on the ease with which I am able to give to my patients, friends, and loved ones and how difficult it is for me to receive. I think this is something many working mothers might be able to relate to. The beautiful irony is that I have realised that I cannot do my work well if my own cup is not filled. It sounds so obvious to say. 

Esther Perel often explores the tension between autonomy and connection in her work on relationships. The quality of our external relationships is deeply tied to the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves. The dialogue we have with others is an expression of the one we have with ourselves. Self-care is not a retreat from relationships, but a way of showing up in them more fully. When we neglect our own needs, we become needy. Paradoxically, by tending to ourselves, we foster deeper intimacy with others.

If this resonates with you, perhaps you can try out these sentence stems as a little exercise with your sweet self. And perhaps, while you reflect up on them, you can put your hand on your heart tenderly or cup your face in your hands. We are relational beings down to the microbes we share our bodies with, and practising relating to ourselves with empathy and tenderness is a sure way to co-create a better world. 

Sentence stems:

• Giving is easy/hard for me because…
• When I am celebrated by others, I feel…
• The qualities that most draw me to other people are…
• I can celebrate that I am…
• I would like to work on being more…
• I would like to tell myself a different story about…
• Being in relationship with me is…
• A way that I could show up for myself differently might be…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr Skye Scott is a family GP, and co-owner of Health with Heart - a holistic wellness solution that includes a warm-hearted practice in Sandton; bespoke corporate wellness programmes; unique retreats and medical travel experiences; an educational podcast and portal; and a community outreach initiative. For more information or to get in touch, follow @drskyescott or @health_w_heart on Instagram or @HealthwithHeartDoctors on Facebook, or visit www.healthwithheart.co.za.